I’m a mom of two young boys, aged 6- and 8-years-old. They are your typical high energy boys who run around all day, and they are more concerned about playing than sitting down to talk about their feelings. When I do try to teach my kids about empathy by being sensitive to another person’s feelings or by trying to make the other person feel better, I feel that the conversation is too abstract or not personal enough for them to understand or fully empathize. I found that when one of my kids is hurt, it’s a much easier teachable moment because they feel it more emotionally.

For example, my 8-year-old son Braden* was accidentally hit hard in the face with a soccer ball by his friend Adam. Usually, Braden shakes it off and it doesn’t bother him, but this was a very painful blow; he went down hard and cried a lot, the type that convulsed his shoulders. I happened to be making a call and missed the entire incident and aftermath of the long-lasting cry (which is really rare). I knew it was an accident, but when I came back from my call, Adam was nowhere to be seen; he had moved on to the trampoline. Instead, another friend Ben was there right next to Braden, showing him his Pokémon cards in an attempt to make Braden feel better. I knew that Ben’s empathy and actions were a great reflection of what I would want Braden to do, so I tucked that teachable moment for later in the day when Braden had recovered from the incident, was calm, and could really soak in the information.

Later that evening, after story time and while laying in bed (which I find to be a very good time to chat with my kids because there are no distractions), I decided to take the opportunity to converse, and also listen to them.

“What happened today? What made you cry?” I asked.

“Adam was really close and accidentally kicked the soccer ball really hard into my face,” Braden said.

“What did Adam do and say when it happened?” I asked.

“Adam asked if I was okay, he stayed with me for a minute then left and played somewhere else,” Braden said.

“What did Ben do?” I asked.

”He stayed with me and showed me his Pokémon card collection,” Braden said.

With the two contrasting reactions, I then asked,

What do you think you would’ve done?”

“I would’ve done the same as Adam, asked if he was okay, stayed for a little, and then leave,” said Braden.

I liked the honesty but didn’t like that he didn’t realize the better alternative even after he just went through it himself today. I then had to probe further.

“Who made you feel better – Adam or Ben?” I asked.

“Ben did,” Braden said.

Yes! We finally made progress, I said in my mind. That was my cue to then say, “That was nice what Ben did, I liked that he was so caring, didn’t leave you alone, and he really tried hard to make you feel better.” And to then take it to a potential future scenario, I asked,

“Do you think that if you accidentally hurt someone or see someone who is hurt, you should stay with the person and try to make them feel better?”

“Yes, I will,” Braden said.

That’s all I needed to hear and hoped that our conversation sunk in.

Weeks later, Braden’s friend Adam was crying because he was sent to the principal’s office. Braden didn’t know what happened, but he knew his friend was in distress. He took the initiative to ask Adam if he was okay and what happened. Adam was so appreciative; he needed a friend to talk to and Braden was there to listen. I was so proud of Braden.

I’m hoping that eventually I don’t need to have my kids understand empathy only from experiencing their own suffering and pain, and that they’ll start to better understand how it would be like in the other person’s shoes and think of ideas to help them feel better.

*Names have been changed.