parents

WHEN

THE

YOGURT

 by peter Wong

SPILL

y eldest son is standing in the dining room, wailing at the tragic loss of his vanilla yogurt, splattered all over the floor. I am both exasperated by his carelessness and baffled by his emotional overreaction. Part of me wants to blurt out, “I told you to be careful!” But I resist the instinct – because I’ve gone down that route plenty of times before and I know it doesn’t work for him.

Instead, I grab a roll of paper towel and tap him playfully on the head. “No biggie! I spill food all the time. You should hear about the time I dropped a miso soup in my friend’s purse. Come help me clean this up and let’s get a new yogurt.”

Life can be hard for kids. They make all sorts of mistakes – that’s just the nature of being a kid. And as difficult as it can be at times, we as parents have the opportunity to make space for those mistakes. When the yogurt gets spilt, a little compassion and empathy can go a long way.

But life can be hard for parents too, and we also make all sorts of mistakes – because that’s the nature of being a parent! We lose our temper, we say things we wish we could take back, and sometimes we steal our children’s Halloween candy and then lie about it. The great challenge for today’s parent is this: in the same way that we make space for our children’s mishaps and questionable decisions, we need to make space for our own as well.

M

became a full-time stay at home dad in all the confidence in the world. My first career was in education – if I can get a classroom full of teenagers to do their homework, how hard could it be to get my two boys to eat their lunches?

It didn’t take long, of course, for me to realize that I had grossly miscalculated. The transition was a rocky one, and I often felt like I was failing as a parent. I was spilling the metaphorical parenting yogurt aplenty and I’d spend many nights wondering if I was cut out for this parenting gig at all.

For those of you who can relate, I’d like to share a few principles that were helpful in bringing me back to a healthier, more objective perspective:

Remember that you are a limited resource, and that’s OK! As a parent, you are a powerful instrument of comfort, love, and guidance for your children. But you are also a vulnerable and limited resource! It’s natural to let our children’s needs eclipse our own, but sometimes you don’t have anything left to give, and that’s OK too.

Catch yourself doing it right. It’s a lot easier to remember the times you got it wrong than it is to remember the times you got it right. Naturally, this skews us towards a negative perception of self. Making an extra effort to note and celebrate the times you got it right can lead you to a more balanced perspective.

When the inner critic takes over, borrow the eyes of a loved one. Sometimes we get fixated on our mistakes, and we can conclude with a fair amount of certainty that we’re just terrible parents. When you find yourself in that place, confide in someone who knows you and loves you. Most of the time, they’ll be able to give you a more objective and balanced perspective on how you’re actually doing as a parent.

I

o next time you’re feeling down about yourself, remember that you’re not alone! We’re all just making it up as we go and we’re all spilling yogurt all over the place. Have a chuckle, grab some paper towel, and let’s clean this mess up together.

S